Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year Everyone! You're All Gonna Die!

     Behold! It is the dread year 2012! Finally, less than a year left where we can be entertained by the gloom and doom that TV shows and movies have thrived on over the last several years. I mean, who doesn't know that we're all gonna die this coming December?

     Hmm... Guess it didn't dawn on me that there could be a few people left that may not have been paying attention to the discovery channel. If this is you, please relax as I break this to you as carefully as possible. You are going to die in December. Don't panic, because everyone you know is going to die as well. But at least before you die you will have the chance to see a quick moment of the earth spinning fluid-like at about 1,000 miles per hour under your feet while the poles swap, or maybe a mega tsunami blotting the sun out over your house. On the other hand, you may have the chance to see a mega super ray of energy burn through our atmosphere, blasting from a quasar billions of miles away that just happened to reach us. Sorry to bring you down, but you may need to rev change your New Years resolutions to accommodate not lasting the year.

     On the other hand, the Mayans (the ones who named the date) call it the time of change, not necessarily the day of destruction. I am going to love to see how that one is played out. If nothing happens, how quickly do you think the die hard end of timers will come up with excuses? The end has started, but it will take longer than their lifetime for the end to take full effect. Kind of like an end of world time release capsule that Earth will swallow in December.

     Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be the guy treading water while watching the ark float away, after telling Noah he's a reject for thinking that it's going to rain. That would be embarrassing. Nor do I want to fall into the 'We're all gonna die' company, as this perception is usually nuts. Especially when particular dates are given.

    Personally, I think the Mayan calender ends on that particular day for a different kind of reason. Reason being is, well, it needs to end somewhere! Think about the guy who had to perform all the calculations. Staring at the stars every night scribbling down this lousy calendar, dealing with cataracts that has made even that particularly difficult, and scratching down results with arthritic hands and fingers. Spending his adult life trying to figure out the date for thousands of years after he will be long since dead. It was made by a human, how the hell is it going to go on infinitely? I guess I'm saying he stopped. Flat out decided that enough is enough... December of the year 2012 is as good of a time as any to call it a job well done.

     Oh yeah, there is that whole alien giving the Mayans their calendar thing... Of course...


  1. I'm waiting for the nay-sayers in the streets, and the old guys with the sandwich boards that read 'The End of the World is Near'. Then we heard them all in one area and watch the earth open up underneath them...but I digress.

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