Saturday, September 10, 2011

10 Things that you will do in one day.

          It being quite a while since I've posted anything at all on any of my blogs, I'd like to take this opportunity to explain why. I've mastered a new psychic ability. One which I am going to prove to you right now, that I am the most powerful being in the universe. I present to you 10 things that you will do in one day. I am going to lay out one of your days for you. This will be every day of your life. For those that have been reincarnated, your previous lives do not apply. Read on and be amazed!

1. Wake up.
No matter what time, you will wake up at least once in any given day, save one. And on  that day you don't wake, I predict that you will be dead.

2. Find a Toilet.
You will either go and use your own, one at work, at friend's, maybe even create one against a tree somewhere. No matter what, you will find one.

3. Think about something you would like to do, or need to do for the day.
Anything from combing your hair, going to work, turning on your computer, buying gas, hitting the john, hitting the neighbors dog with a lamp, jumping off a bridge.... You know. Daily mundane stuff.

4. You will look at something.
(The blind excluded) I predict today you will look at something at some point in your day, & will be unprovoked in any way, to think any differently than you would have otherwise.

5. You will dodge something.
Be it someone crossing your path, walking around a wall to find a doorway, a vehicle, or any other type of non-organic projectile. You will move.

6. You will pick something up.
Your keys, pants, socks, kids, cats, dogs, wallet, purse, mail, phone, silverware, dumbbell, barbell, brick, fork, spoon, cup, glass, box, salt / pepper shakers, can, cards, cash, and a bag... I know without a shadow of a doubt, that you will pick up at least one of these on any given day for the rest of your lives. Try not to be as humbled as you know you should be by my psychicness...ness.

7. You will smell something.
You will at some point in a day, smell something. More often than not, it will be yourself. For good or for shame.

8. You will eat, or want to eat something.
Knowing that some people lack the concept of time, and go a day or two without eating, I predict that these people will miss a day or two every now and then, but will at least think of eating something. These people are either Gears of War fans or victims of a Star Trek the Next Generation marathon. Everyone else will eat something. Be Amazed!

9. You will think of at least two songs.
Guaranteed. You will think of at least two. One that you like, and one you wish you had never been subjected to. These are the ones that stick inside your head all day. Love Boat theme & disco songs are the worst offenders. Love.... So exciting and new....

10. You will get annoyed at least once.
At the very least, once. Your dog won't stop licking itself, leaky pipes, the computer is extremely slow, your lighter stopped working, traffic is making you late for your the rest of your life, squeaky doors & chairs, other peoples kids, head or body aches, nothing but crap on television, thumb squashed with a hammer, hangnails, nonstop ringing o the phone, soggy cereal, wedgies, spam, beatings, hold ups, getting shot by accident (annoying), losing your stuff, finding your stuff and it's ruined or on fire, close calls, faulty appliances, lousy views, bad weather, blown bulbs, low oil, people deciding to suck, trashy pits, swamp ass, kids fighting, neighbors fighting and on fire, lead broken on pencils, you spilled your drink, you slipped and fell, cow flops too fresh on tossing day, just came back from the store and found that you are out of something you didn't pick up, ringing ears, bad gas with unfortunate timing, mosquitoes or anything else that needs to buzz in your ear, and last but not least... Alarm clocks.

   Any one of these will happen to every one of you, every day for the rest of your lives!

          Please... Please... Your welcome. It is only a small token that I request in return for me making full use of this new paranormal gift that has been bestowed upon me. All I ask in return, is that you leave me a comment, describing how I have personally changed your life, now that I, in one amazing foul swoop, have unlocked the secrets of your future.


  1. It's funny how #10 on the topic of annoyance got the most attention in terms of words used. I'd like to read this post again with it being geared toward men and then toward women. :)

  2. You are wrong about #5. I was walking across the road minding my own business, when I was hit by a deer, which I did not dodge.

  3. You got some really funny stuff here I hope to see more of your posts now that you are back!

  4. Just for the fun of it, I am almost tempted to try not to do at least one of these things.

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